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The Garofalo Manifesto

December 2, 2003
By

ok, this didn’t come into the paper, but it was deemed worthy of posting on the Blagh. From alt.fan.j-garofalo.

The Garofalo Manifesto.

We the fans of Janeane Garofalo, being a loose confederation of admirers, skeptics, scoffers, blasphemers, lurkers and unindicted, non-dues paying members of “The Accidental Tribe,”(1) do hearby swear, affirm or agree over many drinks to pledge our lives, our energies and our talents to the support of Janeane Garofalo in whatever form she may take, against any real or perceived enemy, domestic, abroad or Republican. We swear upon our sacred honor to uphold her in discussions relating to any subject in which she is, or is likely to be, mentioned. To wit: Questions relating to Iraq, indy films, self-help books that may seem lighthearted or even mocking to intellectual lightweights should be deferred to Ms. Garofalo in absentia. WWJD? (What Would Janeane Do?) is a good question that any JG fan can ask him or herself many, many times a day. “Would Janeane take the last Crueller at Krispy Kreme?” Or would she kindly offer it to the dottering old man behind her in line while secretly waiting for the fresh, hot ones that will be up shortly? We can be kind and selfish at the same time if we play this right. With the right attitude, we can get good stuff and support Janeane in all sorts of different places like tire stores, fast-food places and outlet malls.

It is encumbent upon us to outwit those timid souls who not only would not knowingly be seen in the same county as a liberal woman with star tattoos on her belly, but who would take Janeane away from us, were they able. We know who they are. Those of you who actually go to church see them every Sunday. They dress nicely, have good hair and cute kids. They drive Lincoln Navigators and other expensive vehicles out to their colonial style crackerbox(2) houses in the suburbs on streets with names like “Deer Creek Trail,” “Weeping Willow Court” and “Jonathans Landing.” Their lawns are beautiful from years of exposure to Weed&Feed and John Deere riding tractors. Their kids will go to private schools and the Spirit of Janeane is not in them. Until recently, these people were quietly leading their lives of quiet desperation. Until recently they were perfectly happy to support nothing more sophisticated than the advance of urban sprawl, fad diets, high gas prices and anything connected with Oprah or Martha. However, in the last few years they have become somewhat uppity. The victory of George W Bush in the 2000 election(3) , the advance of right wing talk radio and television, as well as the September 11th attacks and the popularity of Adkins-Type diets(4) seem to have motivated them into supporting a truly anti-Janeane agenda. We are now faced with domestic red wine-sipping supporters (5) of John Ashcroft with lots of free time and money who perceive people like Janeane Garofalo and her supporters as “Enemies of The State” who would have them mowing their rolling multi-acre lawns with old fashioned rotary mowers and riding a bicycle to the office or Racquet Club. This is not true. It’s the hardcore enviornmentalists who want that. And frankly, suburbanites probably need the excercise since their arteries are getting clogged up with the pig fat they just knew was the worst thing in the world for them less than a year ago. They are no longer satisfied to be controlling their own enviornment. Now they want to control ours. They’ve gone after France, The Dixie Chicks, Sarandon, Robbins, french wine and french fries. Fort Janeane is under seige.

What Can We Do?

Surprisingly, there is much we can do, in addition to adopting a WWJD? Approach to daily life. Buying or renting Garofalo films is easy, fun and enlightening and does wonders for her bank account. Boycott O’Reilly. The highly motivated can simply send her money. With interest rates at 40-year lows, taking out a second mortgage is a great way to raise money to help Janeane. As soon as she deposits the check, declare bankruptcy. This helps her and injures the banks that are supporting urban sprawl (and her sworn enemies) at the same time. Get involved in county politics. Getting zoning laws changed to help The Right People build, say, a hog confinement, limestone processing plant or railroad spur line within earshot of a really snobby housing addition is do-able. They won’t realize what’s happening until its too late. Nobody pays attention to county politics. Hire her for birthday parties or standup appearances. Send her money even if she doesn’t show up. Give her free cake to take back on the plane if she does. She like chocolate. In these trying times, all of us need to pull together to keep Janeane from falling victim to those with a very limited understanding of what The First Amendment means.

1. “The Accidental Tribe” is a term Fyodor Dostoevski used to describe all those who were rootless, divorced from tradition and traditional assurance.

2. “Crackerbox” refers to the flimsy, cheap nature of much suburban housing, which still manages to be incredibly expensive. It is not intended as a racial term, even though suburbs consist almost entirely of “Crackers,” a derogatory term for white folks.

3. Whether or not Bush really won anywhere other than the Electoral College is open to debate.

4. People on these type of diets frequently become mentally impared due to ketosis, a condition in which the body makes a desperate attempt to keep the brain alive by burning body fat. The subject loses weight but becomes dangerously unpredictable. Well known sufferers include Courtney Love, Michael Savage, Mike Tyson and the Tiger that attacked Roy Horn. Ketosis is a potentially fatal condition and can alter your genetic makeup, clog your brain with stuff your body can’t get rid of and interfere with the Krebs Cycle.

5. The emergence of a white trash underclass of fanatical Bush supporters has been noted and will be commented on at a later time.