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Nine reasons the Baltimore vs. D.C. debate needs to die

August 14, 2013
By

bwashThis morning, the folks over at b dropped a pretty hefty lists of reasons — 100 in all — our city, Baltimore, is better than nation’s capital, Washington, D.C. Holy hell, that’s a lot of reasons. Naturally, people in D.C. weren’t going to let this go unanswered, so a writer at Washington City Paper put together a list of the reasons b‘s list of reasons stinks.

Both lists landed some pretty good punches.  D.C. is expensive! Boh isn’t even brewed in Baltimore anymore! I admit to being amused by both.

Still, it’s an argument that’s been had again and again and again and again. Can we be done with this now? Please? Yes folks, two municipalities with unique histories and cultures have different things about them. Isn’t that something?

Listen, we here at City Paper have taken the bait on this argument a number of times. Pretty much every publication in each city has. It’s time to give the dead horse a rest. Here are nine reasons (it couldn’t be anything other than a list, right? Also: seriously b, how the fuck did you come up with 100? This shit is hard.) to put this argument to bed.

1. Each city has cool stuff.
The Smithsonian! The Walters! U Street! Hampden! Ben’s Chili Bowl! Chaps Pit Beef! Chances are many of you have been to all of these destinations and had a good time. We can enjoy other things in other places! There is almost certainly something to like about each town, even if you’re a curmudgeonly asshole. Hey, I bet each city has a place where curmudgeonly assholes get together to be all curmudgeonly and asshole-y, even. Everybody wins.

2. We have some similarities, too.
You know that we’re both located off the Chesapeake Bay, right? And that the whole “summer wouldn’t be complete without cracking some crabs” thing is not unique, you know? And that we both enjoy things like the Eastern Shore and Ocean City and the Appalachian Mountains and Annapolis and all the splendor of Maryland, yeah? It’s almost as if we’re only separated by 40 miles.

3. The pending arrival of the weekend MARC.
Everybody seemed pretty over the moon when it was announced that MARC, the train that connects our two cities, would finally expand service to weekends. Why? Because it will be so much easier to travel to the city you don’t live in and get blotto without the hassle of trying to find a way home, of course. Oh, and to visit all those other things in item 1. Just think: we’ll be united by rail!

4. There are plenty of cities we can troll together.
I mean, have you seen some of the jabronies they’re producing up there in Philadelphia? And when was the last time Richmond did anything cool? I can’t think of anything. And Charlotte — whew boy, talk about bland. Point being: there are so many more places we can direct our hate than at each other.

5. Even if you are staunchly on one side, pretty much everything has been said already.
Seriously. If you insist on sipping on the haterade, all of your arguments have been made. Every single one. It’s well-covered territory. Everyone can recite them by heart. The End.

6. These articles are nothing but click bait.
Our response to Marc Fisher’s travel piece in The Washington Post did crazy good, traffic-wise. Many of our posts on D.C. have. Y’all love clicking on some D.C. vs. Baltimore trash talk, which is why writers keep pooping this stuff out. It’s how the online journalism game works. And the game is rigged! If stuff gets hits, there must be more, more, more. You, the reader, must take it upon yourself to stop clicking. You must! You have to help journalists help themselves. Then, and only then, can we move on to something else.

7. We’re probably going to end up as one giant megalopolis anyway.
Think about it. BRAC, the expanding bureaucracy, population booms, just about everything that has ever happened in Howard County — we’re pretty much one giant urban area as it is. That’s only going to get worse over time.

8. We need each other.
I’d probably miss out on a lot of sweet shows if not for the 9:30 Club. D.C.ers would miss out on the deliciousness of Berger cookies if not for Baltimore. Same goes for half smokes and Old Bay, and on and on.  Baltimore wouldn’t seem so edgy if not for D.C.’s uptight nature. D.C. wouldn’t look so classy if we weren’t so grimy. See? Our relationship is already about giving and giving.

9. Dave Gahan says so.

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